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If Microsoft Built Cars...

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.  He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors.  His comparison went like this:

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to the gallon.  In either case, the sticker price of the new car would be less than $50.00"

In response to all this provoking, General Motors responded "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

General Motors continued by stating that if Microsoft built cars:

• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it.  For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.
  
• Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.  For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
  
• A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
  
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
  
• People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

• Everyone would have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  
• Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the road.
  
• The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  
• The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  
• The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before going off.
  
• If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Yes, but you started it."

Interesting Comparisons Between Drug Dealers and Software Developers

Signs that you are living in the Cyber age...

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Every commercial on television you see has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"  He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"  The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling"  The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds" and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.  The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now.  You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.  So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.  The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Seen on T-Shirts, Posters and Coffee Mugs in the Computer Lab…

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compression

Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or file name!

A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory!

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Error: Keyboard not attached.  Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody" - Bill Gates, 1981

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

C:> The stick shift of computing.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are more unreliable.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

DEL *.* Does WHAT?

It's not a Bug, it's a hidden and seldom used feature.

Network management is like trying to herd cats.

Part-time musicians are semiconductors.

Spaghetti code = job security.

Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!

If I type with both hands, am I stereo-typing?

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

Subject: VIRUS ALERT!!
Date: Monday, April 26, 1999 1:00 PM

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it Immediately WITHOUT reading it.  This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.  It will re-write your hard drive.

Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will  recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up  the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any  CD's you try to play.
It will give your old boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will  mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its  socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car  keys when you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you  nightmares about circus midgets with festering skin disorders.
It will  pour sugar in your gas tank.
It will shave off both your eyebrows while seeing your husband/wife behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not  matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond  the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It  will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice  mail in your voice!

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It makes your stomach rumble and fizzle during quiet moments in company meetings.
It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new riding mower.
It will force you to leap out of your seat during the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland and dance with the puppets.
You will change your name to Berkowitz and join a travelling gypsy troupe.
The penguin will go with you.
Badtimes will cause you to buy every Barney videotape made and watch them continuously while tripping on acid and playing with razorblades.

Badtimes is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and  terrifying to behold.
These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!

A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it.  It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that.  This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta".   We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.  We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with.  Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them.  But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through.  One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right!  Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features.  It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect.  We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0.  Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade.  Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go.  I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything).   They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made.  I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

  o       o       o       o       o       o      <o      <o>
^|\     ^|^     v|^     v|v     |/v      X       \|      |
 /\      >\     /<       >\     /<       >\     /<       >\
 
o>      o       o       o       o       o       o       o
 \       x      </      <|>     </>     <\>     <)>     /|^
/<       >\     /<       >\     /<       >\      >>     /\
  

How to Install Software

by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.   It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software.   Throw it away.

Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

Turn the computer on, you idiot.

Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while.  The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.

There will be more grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there.  Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS!!

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored.  You may now attempt to run your software.  If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortnessof breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&.

At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Signs that a Co-worker is a Hacker

Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes 3 years running.

When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

Mumbled, "Oh, ouh-pleeez!" 256 times during the movie, The Net.

Massive 401 k contributions made in half-cent increments.

His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overheard, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor-I-Don't-Give-A's-in-Computer-Science."

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