Swanson Family Webpage

Here is a compilation of jokes and funny stories.
Most of them were collected from the Internet or sent to us via e-mail.
These are clean, remember this is a family webpage!

And now enjoy the contents of my humor page...

PLAIN OLD JOKES

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?"

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so ticked off!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame announced that a new bellringer was needed. One of the applicants who came to him had no arms. The bishop asked him how he would ring the bell with no arms. The man replied, "I have a very strong forehead. It makes quite a lovely sound". So the Bishop asked for a demonstration. The no-armed man climbed the spiral staircase and ran toward the bell. He hit it full force, and it made a very nice sound. However, when the bell swung back, it hit him, knocking him out the window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. A crowd had gathered around the fallen figure and one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

The following day the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless man that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.

Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle woo--OOO....

Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.

His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely teakettle?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it" the vet announced, "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330.00." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330.00??"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30.00 for the office visit and $300.00 for the cat scan."

Actual statements by airline flights crews:

We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know.

Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant biker gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this girl. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the biker gang formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, "Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!" "

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There's a story about how Albert Einstein was traveling to Universities in a chauffeur driven car, delivering lectures on his theory of relativity. One day, while in transit, the chauffeur remarked, "Dr. Einstein, I've heard you deliver that lecture about 30 times. I know it by heart and bet I could give it myself."

"Well, I'll give you the chance," Einstein said, "They don't know me at this next school, so when we get there I'll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as me and give the lecture."

The chauffeur delivered Einstein's lecture flawlessly. When he finished, he started to leave, but one of the Professors stopped him and asked a complex question filled with mathematical equations and formulas.

The chauffeur thought fast. "The solution to that problem is so simple, he said, I'm surprised you have to ask me. In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my chauffeur to come up here and answer your question."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two men were on a rooftop during a flood. One of them noticed a hat going back and forth on top of the water in a regular pattern.

His buddy replied, "Oh, that's just Grandpa, he said come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry, she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another fifty yards, turned, waved and hopped another fifty yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Actual Church Bulletins Announcements

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quickies

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.

What happened to the survivors of a collision of a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West and says: "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a carcrash?
He's all right now.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
Atom 1: "Are you all right?"
Atom 2: "No, I lost an electron!"
Atom 1: "Are you sure?"
Atom 2: "Yeah, I’m positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The Wisdom of Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."

Lisa: "Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?"
Homer: "Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure."

Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer's brain: "Use reverse psychology."
Homer: "Oh, that sounds too complicated."
Homer's brain: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology."
Homer: "Okay, I will!

[praying] "I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"

"Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV"

Marge : "Homer I want to talk to you about this credit card bill..."
Homer : "I admit it! The record club! The first eight were only a penny...then they jacked up the price!..."

"I tell ya it hard work being a parent, but when I see the look in their eyes...I know they're getting ready to poke me with something."

Marge: "Homer we never have parties"
Homer: "What about that huge one, you know with champagne, a band, a lot of holy men or something."
Marge: "Homer that was our wedding"

"A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets."

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Marge: "We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything."
Homer: "Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!

[To an editor of Reading Digest] "Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good."

Homer: "Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?"
Bart: "Is it a Bible story?"
Homer: "Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!"
Bart: "How did a lion get riches?"
Homer: "It was the olden days!"

"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"

"I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

TV : "First, we take a delicious bar of chocolate.."
Homer : [In a trance] "Chocolate..!!"
TV : "Then we wrap it in caramel..."
Homer : "Oooohh, sweeeet!"
TV : "And finally, we dip it in rich, creamery butter".
Homer : "AAarhrhghlll..." [His head drops back, and he drools]
Lisa : "A subliminal idea can be planted in your mind without you even
knowing it."
Homer : "Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter."

Homer: "Every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"
Marge: "That's because you were drunk!"
Homer: "And how!"

(From the Mr. Burns is a Vampire Episode)
Lisa : "You must drive this stake right through his heart"
[Sounds of Homer opening coffin]
Homer : "Take that vile FIEND!"
[Homer plunges stake into body, repeatedly hammering]
Lisa : "Ah...Dad, that's his crotch."
Homer : "Ho Ho Ho, Sorry!"

"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves
and gremlins and eskimos!"

Lisa : "Dad do you have any fruit?"
Homer : "This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Bumper Sticker Sightings:

Headlines

Amazing Comparisons between Jesus and Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Movie "Jailhouse Rock", 1957)

Jesus lived in state of grace in a near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. (Matt 28:3)
One of Elvis' trademarks were snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Things you would never know without the movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Fish Tanks always get shot out, flooding the room, but then the fish just disappear.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.
I said "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky - but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. The judge asked me if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
I said "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

What a guy might say...

What a guy might say...	...and what it really means
I'm going fishing.	I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
It's a guy thing.	There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
Can I help with dinner?	Why isn't it already on the table?
"Uh huh" "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."	Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
It would take too long to explain.	I have no idea how it works.
I'm getting more exercise lately.	The batteries in the remote are dead.
We're going to be late.	Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.	I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
That's interesting, dear.	Are you still talking?
Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.	I forgot our anniversary again.
It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.	That's women's work.
You know how bad my memory is.	I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.	I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
I do help around the house.	I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.
Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.	I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.
I can't find it.	It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
What did I do this time?	What did you catch me doing?
I heard you.	I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
You look terrific.	Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
I missed you.	I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.
I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.	I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.
We share the housework.	I make the messes, you clean them up.
This relationship is getting too serious.	You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.
I don't need to read the instructions.	I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

The Wayside Chapel

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C., "being too bashful to write out the words "water closet."

The schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel. The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman:

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is along-felt need. My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often. If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all.

"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
	"Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision."
"This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
	"No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."
"THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!"
	"This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Dear John, version 1		Dear John, version 2
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria		Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria