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Visit all of my humor pages:
A Peek Inside the Mind of Steven Wright
Tired of those motivational posters seen in just about every office??
Check these out:
(click the back button or use the backspace button to return)
| Original Series Agony Apathy Defeat Failure Futility Ineptitude Losing Mediocrity Mistakes Pessimism Procrastination Stupidity |
New!! 2000 Series Adversity Burnout Conformity Despair Doubt Humiliation Idiocy Laziness Misfortune Problems Trouble Underachievement |
If you enjoyed this go to Despair, Inc. and buy some of their stuff.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address is zena_goddess_of_fire@aol.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
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"Kiss Your Job Goodbye" A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." |
This message from a project leader was sent regarding his subordinate's hard work!!!
<1> Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
<2> hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
<3> wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
<4> thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
<5> finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
<6> measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
<7> breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
<8> vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
<9> knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
<10> classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
<11> dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
<12> promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
<13> sent away as soon as possible.
A follow-up message was soon sent with the following message:
"That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to
you earlier today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11,13 for my
true assessment of him."
ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and keyboard."
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys to initiate certain computer commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Part One: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damnit, all of you just shut UP!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Part Two: Fun Things to Say in an Elevator
Is this the one they fixed after the last accident?
Beam me up Scotty.
I'm sure that the problem I'm having at the free clinic isn't contagious.
Anyone smell smoke?
Going up is sure tough on hemorrhoids.
Wonder what this button is for?
Don't you just love muzak?
The French are right. One bath a week is more than enough.
Hum or whistle over and over the first refrain of "It's a small world after all."
Who called this meeting?
I try not to push other people's buttons.
8th floor: Ladies hand bags.
That chili was hot but good.
I'm claustrophobic. May I hold your hand?
What do you think the weight limit is here?
Excuse me but what kind of jeans are you wearing?
To a nervous pregnant lady: Uh...when are you due?
