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You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

If that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs.

You call Yoda your "Li'l green buddy."

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

You have ever heard, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they."

Your father's name is Garth Vader.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

You've ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with a lightsaber.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You've ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father. . . and your uncle."

There were two rednecks putting on a new roof. One of them was tossing out half of the nails that he pulls out.
The other redneck asks him why he wasn't using all of the nails.

"Well, some of them were facing the wrong way" he answered.

"Idiot," the first one says "we could have used those inside for the ceiling!"

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death, also.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!

Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".

Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.

Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".

Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".

Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Daisy Duke screen saver.

Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

"ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.

One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.

"This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.

Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".

You know a computer is owned by a redneck if...

The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

The keyboard is camouflaged.

There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.

The password is, "bubba."

The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.

The monitor is up on blocks.

The six front keys have rotted out.

John Deer Pocket Protectors.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A redneck gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain hired. The redneck agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checks and finds the redneck completed four miles. Great," he thought, "this man will work out."

The next day he finds the redneck only did two miles but the supervisor thought, "Well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."

The third day however the redneck only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him." The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did four miles the second day two miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why?"

The redneck replied "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

You might be a redneck if...

(Look for a few new ones thrown in here)

Your family tree does not fork.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You have a framed portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.

Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

You have a close relative named "Cletus".

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three rednecks were joyriding with their truck on an ice-covered lake. Two were riding in the cab with the other is riding in the back. All of the sudden the truck went right through the ice. The two in the front managed to get out of the truck even though they were rather big people.

They were starting to get worried about their friend that was riding in back when he finally popped up. They yelled at him "What took you so long?"

"Well", he answered "It took me a while to figure out how to open the tail gate."

Things You Never Hear A Redneck Say

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Checkmate!

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Who's Richard Petty?

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Elvis who?