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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?"
I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it."
He said, "How long have you had it?"
I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer".
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When
you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right
off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the
speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?"
I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first. I stole third. I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
"So, do you live around here often?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it, it was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I got thrown out of the theatre for bringing my own food. I said, "Your prices are outrageous, and besides, I haven't had a barbecue in ages."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
One time while hitchhiking, I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was re-reading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
